




iiii :; 






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Class _^-J^-^^- 
Book J- iv 2 



COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT 



Golf Yarns 




From the American Golfi 



All the World's a Golf Links 



Golf Yarns 

The Best Things About the 
Game of Golf 



Compiled and Illustrated 

BY 

H. B. MARTIN 




New York 
JJodd, Mead <^ Company 



1913 



Copyright, 1913 GvVC\t.T 

By Dodd, Mead and Company .vA 3 

Published, October, 1913 



\Y 



©Cf,A854 233 





Dedicated 
TO MY WIFE 

who has termed herself a Golf Widow 



Fob many of the stories here presented we are 
indebted to "Golf Illustrated," "Sketch," "Tat- 
ler," "The American Golfer," "Golf," "Col- 
lier's," and "Bailey's Magazine." 




There are two brands of humour in golf. 
One comes from the outsider^ who loves 
to make fun of a golfer's clothes^ his clubs 
or the terms of the game. The real golfer^ 
who always takes his game seriously, 
never sees anything funny in this sort of 
wit. The other kind is the things that 
happen or might happen to the player on 
the links or thoughts that might occur to 
him during his hours of reflection. It is 
this latter brand of humour that has been 
collected for this little book. It is the 
serious golfer, or perhaps he who under- 
stands golf best, that will get the most 
laughs out of these stories. 

A reporter once suggested a very 
good golf feature to the editor of one of 
New York's large Sunday papers. The 
editor listened attentively, but turned 
down the idea with the remark that he 
didn't think the readers would be inter- 



estedj as society had given up golf in 
Newport and it was no longer a fad. 

When society quit golf that seemed 
to be the game's salvation. Once deserted 
by the "400'^ it was picked up by some 
"J^OOfiOO" of the commoner class, and has 
been going on quite merrily ever since. 
Most golfers can hardly realise that after 
all golf is only a game. To some it is 
actually a disease. It has been a great 
boon to the doctor, lawyer, minister 
and the tilled business man. Years ago 
when you saw two men talking on the 
street and one of them had his hands up 
measuring off a distance of two feet in 
space, it was almost a certainty that he 
was telling his friend of a fish that he had 
caught just that long. Now it is almost 
a certainty that he is telling the other 
man that he missed a put just that long 
or had laid a midiron shot up on the green 
just that far from the cup. 

A man visiting Europe once asked a 
friend to tell him the names of all the 
monarchs that were playing golf. The 
friend replied that it was easier to tell 



Mm the name of the one king in Europe 

that didn't play. It is said that the King 

of Italy has not yet become fascinated 

with the Royal and Ancient game. 

The stories presented here are picked 

up from here, there and everywhere. It 

is difficult to give credit in most cases 

because a good stoi^y, like a poker chip, 

has no home. Most of the yarns here 

are true, and are based on actual fact. 

The others, the best that can be said 

about them is that they might have 

happened. The golfer is now claimed to 

have a more vivid imagination than the 

fisherman, so we will let the reader be the 

judge of those stories that cause a doubt 

in his mind. 

The Compiler. 



SEVEN YEARS TO MAKE A 
GOLFER 

It has been claimed by some well- 
known authorities of the game that it 
takes seven years to learn to play the 
game of golf properly. A cynic on hear- 
ing this has expressed it in the following 
way: "It requires two years to learn the 
terms of the game, another two years to 
learn the uses of the various clubs, then 
two more years to unlearn what you have 
learned in the first four years and another 
year to find out that no golfer is a hero in 
the eyes of his own caddie." 




KEEP YOUR EYE ON IT 

A GOLFER teaching his friend the rudi- 
ments of the game showed him how to tee 
the ball, and then told him that whatever 
else he did to be sure and keep his eye on 
it. The pupil obeyed to the letter of the 
law and made a perfect shot right down 
the centre of the course, but the trouble 
with it was that he hit it such a puny tap 
that it only went about seventy-five yards. 
"Perfect shot!" exclaimed the instructor. 
"You hit it just right, but why didn't you 
hit 'er harder and get some distance?" 
"You said to keep my eye on the ball ; now 
how would you expect me to knock it any 
further and still keep my eye on it?" 




GRANT WANTED TO KNOW 

When General Grant was in England 
on his famous trip around the world he 
was taken out to one of the golf courses 
near London and was there given his 
first insight into the game of golf. The 
well-known English peer that had insisted 
on introducing the General to the mys- 
teries of the Royal and Ancient game 
teed' up a ball and proceeded to make a 
drive ; but not being very adept at the 
art, swung three times at it without 
touching the ball at all. The General 
looked on with great interest and then 
remarked: '*I should think there would 
be plenty of exercise in the game, but 
there is one thing that 1 don't understand, 
what is the little ball for ? ' ' 




NATIONAL CHARACTERISTICS 

There are certain national characteristics 
that apply to golf as well as other sports. 
The following summary was prepared by 
an Englishman and the last line supplied 
by an American : "A Scotchman does not 
like to be beaten. An Englishman likes 
best to beat a Scotchman. A Welchman 
does not mind being beaten unless he has 
something on the game. An Irishman 
plays for the fun of the thing. A French- 
man will never admit that he is beaten, and 
an American never minds being beaten 
except by an Englishman." 




'a>-'|\>j 



EARLY GOLF RECORDS 

That golf was a popular game in the fif- 
teenth century is proved by the Acts of Par- 
liament for its suppression. In 1457 it was 
"decreeted and ordained that wapinschaw- 
ingis be halden be the Lordis and Baronis 
spirituale and temporale, foure times in 
the zeir, and that the Futeball and Golf be 
utterly cryit doune, and nocht usit; and 
that the bowe merkis be maid at ilk 
paroche kirk a pair of buttis, and schutting 
be usit ilk Sunday," and thirty-four years 
later, 1491, "that in na place of the realme 
there be usit Fute-ball, Golfe, or uther sik 
unprofitabill sportis, but for the common 
gude of the realme, and defence thairof, 
and that bowis and schutting be hantit, 
and bow-marks maid therefore ordained 
in ilk parochin." 



■li 





^aO 



THE DUFFER 

Most every player likes to think that a 
"duffer" is one who plays a much worse 
game than himself. As a matter of fact, 
the true definition of a "duffer" is one 
who has a handicap of over twenty. He 
used to be so called because he duffed so 
many shots and therefore never made any 
real good scores. In most places now 
when you make a bad shot they say that 
you foozled it or fluffed it. So if you have 
a handicap of over twenty and resent be- 
ing called a "duffer," maybe you would 
like to be called a "fluffer" or a "foozler." 





From Oelf 



The Greatest Hazard 



IN THE OLD DAYS 

Golfers who complain about the present- 
day rubber-cored balls will appreciate 
the following: Undoubtedly the great 
spread of golf is due primarily to the 
cheapness and durability of the gutta 
ball. The old feather ball cost 2s. 6d., and 
the best quality 4s. and 5s., and in wet 
weather it was sometimes needful in an 
important match to have a fresh ball at 
every hole. This price, of course, was pro- 
hibitive, except to those players blessed 
with a long purse and inexhaustible en- 
thusiasm for the sport. 




YOUTH vs. OLD AGE 

They were playing a pater- films four-ball 
match. One of the fathers had hit off a 
very decent sort of tee-shot, taken by 
itself, but which, measured by the son's 
effort — a tremendous swipe, a carry of 
nigh on to 250 yards — paled into utter in- 
significance, eliciting from the "old man" 
the remark, in mingled accents of pride 
and mournful regret: "Enviable, most en- 
viable, is the lustiness of youth." "Yes," 
added the other old gentleman, after half- 
topping his, "but pitiable, most pitiable, is 
the rustiness of old age." 





A GOLF THEORY 

Golf is indeed a very peculiar game. It 
was decided quite some years ago that in 
driving it was our left hand that did all 
the work and the right was only used as a 
sort of guide to steady the stroke. Golf 
theorists have now discovered that most 
of the weight is on the left foot, and it is 
the left leg most prominent in making the 
swing. Hence we find that we are stand- 
ing right handed to play a left-handed 
shot. 





iTr[p[H)uiJ$5 



There is many a slip 'twixt the tee and 
the cup. 

r 

Some one has said that for golf you can be 
any old shape that you like so long as you 
have your lower limbs under control and 
are able to wave a stick, there need be no 
limit to your girth, or flabbiness, or senility. 



Referring to a golf tournament, a report 
of the game said : ' 'A very strong wind 
and a heavy rain made low scoring diffi- 
cult. ' ' Mr. Fozzler wrote into the paper 
and wanted to know what makes low 
scoring easy. 

r 

Player (exasperated at the caddie's inex- 
perience) ; ' 'I wonder where all the good 
caddies go to ? " 

Ca£?6Zz^ (meekly) : *'To 'eaven, sir." 
11 



A NEW GOLF SWING 

On the Chingford Public Golf Course 
in England a certain golfer is notorious 
for the frequency with which he misses the 
ball. He has invented an ingenious anti- 
dote for this peculiar kind of foozling. 
After hitting at the ball, he continues the 
action with increased vigour and brings 
the club round again, thus effecting what 
must be described as a double swing. If 
he misses with his initial effort it is seldom 
that he fails to hit the globe at the second 
attempt. After this foolproof perform- 
ance is completed he confesses to have 
played a single stroke! 




GOLF INSTRUCTION 

By Grantland Rice 

They've sought me and they've brought me 

And they've taught me "perfect form" — 
The proper stance, the proper grip, 

The proper arc of arm. 
They've sought me and they've taught me 

From springtime unto fall; 
The only bet they overlooked 

Was "how to hit the ball." 

They've taught me twenty dozen things 

In forty dozen ways — 
The mashie grip, the niblick flip. 

And how H. Vardon plays. 
They've slipped me every angle 

In the golfolistic frame; 
The only kink they overlooked 

Was "how to play the game." 



13 



TWAIN LIKED THIS COURSE 

Mark Twain was playing golf on a well- 
known English course. In trying to make 
a very long brassie shot Twain tore up 
considerable turf and a chunk of dirt hit 
him squarely in the face. The English- 
man he was playing with, seeking to re- 
lieve the embarrassment of his guest, re- 
marked: "By the way, Mr. Twain, how 
do you like our course?" "Fine," said 
Twain. "I think it is the best I have ever 
tasted." 




THE AMIR 

It is said that the natives of Afghanistan 
have adopted a new method of presenting 
petitions to the Amir. They deposit them 
at night in the holes on their ruler's golf 
course at Kabul, in the hope that they will 
be discovered when his majesty is putting 
on the following day. Even if he does hole 
a long putt to become 1 up on his lord 
chamberlain, he must be robbed of much of 
his satisfaction if, at the bottom of the tin, 
he finds a request from the ladies of the 
harem for equal rights and a political fran- 
chise. He has ordered that all such peti- 
tions are to be burned unread. 




AN EMOTIONAL GOLFER 

"A. B. H.," in Bailey's Magazine, says: 
"I have heard of a player who, on missing 
a short putt, lay down on the green and 
gnawed his ball. This was a perfect ex- 
pression in action of emotions to which no 
words were adequate. We, too, have felt 
very provoked at missing a short putt, but 
it has never occurred to us to gnaw the 
ball. After careful reflection, we have 
come to the conclusion that if we gave 
vent to our emotions by gnawing anything 
we should nibble a bit of the hole in order 
to enlarge it. 




TAFT'S SYSTEM 



A GOOD story is told about Ex-President 
Taft and his golf, which if not true, is at 
least amusing. Mr. Taft has never been 
regarded as an extremely long driver, but 
just after the late unpleasantness in the 
Republican Party he began to drive a very 
long ball, and seemed to get much more 
force into the swing than he had ever been 
able to do before. "How did you accom- 
plish it?" inquired one of his friends, who 
was amazed at the President's sudden 
change in form. "Well, it was easy," said 
Mr. Taft with a twinkle in his eye. "I 
just had Teddy Roosevelt's picture 
painted on all my balls, and I just kept 
my mind on that when I drove." 




ON THE WRONG SIDE 

One day a left-handed player seemed to 
be going particularly bad, and nothing he 
could do would put him back on his game. 
This player never considered it worth 
while to consult a professional, but would 
rather work out his difficulties by him- 
self with the aid of a little colored caddie. 
After topping a drive, making equally as 
bad a shot out of the second, and landing 
his third into a bunker and finally getting 
up on the green in three more, he called 
over the caddie and said : "Mouse, can you 
tell me what's the matter with my game?" 
"I dunno, boss, but it seems to me that 
you've done been standin' on the wrong 
side of yo ball." 




18 




GOLF IN CHICAGO 

"Chick" Evans says that there is quite a 
difference in the way the pubhc regard a 
golf player now than from what they did a 
few years ago. Then, when a player with 
a golf bag was seen on the streets of 
Chicago he was stared at like he was a 
curiosity. Men got so when they went out 
to play golf they sent their clubs ahead 
by a small boy, and they walked a respect- 
ful distance behind, apparently disclaim- 
ing all ownership to the bag. Now when 
a business man goes out to enjoy a day at 
his favorite pastime he is only too proud 
to be seen with the clubs, and instead of 
being eyed as a curiosity, he is looked upon 
with envy. 





19 



IT MADE A DIFFERENCE 

Two Irish women were passing the home 
of a bishop one day when they happened 
to observe him in his yard practising put- 
ting. "Now, isn't that darhn'. Just see 
the dear old man playing with that little 
ball with the innocence of a little child." 
"Yes," but Mrs. McCleary, didn't you 
notice that that was a Protestant bishop?" 
"You don't say so? Why, the old fool! 
Now, wouldn't ye think he'd have better 
sinse than to be playin' a silly game like 
that?" 



*r^-\ 




THAT TWO-FOOT PUTT 




How a two-foot putt looks to you when 
you have got to make it to win the hole. 





How the same putt looks when you 
have got two strokes to spare for the hole. 

31 



GOLFING PESTS 

"Probably the worst player in the world 
to play with is the grouser," says Mr. Hil- 
ton. He is the most trying of all golf 
nuisances. A bad shot is usually the 
fault of some one else. The poor caddie 
comes in for most of the blame. Then he 
turns on you. If you pull off a good shot 
he remarks : "That is a lucky one." He is 
always complaining about the course. 

The whiner simply bids for sympathy. 
He invariably has an ailment. If you 
stand it he is not an unpleasant enemy, but 
he is a man who is apt to lull you into a 
sense of false security, as you don't like 
tramping on a half-dead enemy. 




Golfer (having just made a good putt) : 
"That's a good hole, isn't it?" 
Lady visitor: "Perfectly lovely. It is 
so beautifully round." 

First duffer (excitedly) : "Do you 
know, I have just landed on the sixth 
green in two?" 

Second duffer: "Is that so? Which 
hole were you playing?" ^9W 

Golf in the home has many drawbacks. A 
raking drive, for instance, may mean the 
loss of much valuable glass or china-divots, 
which are not easily replaced. 



23 



UNCERTAIN 

A CERTAIN player who had never been able 
to attract any serious attention from the 
handicap committee had just succeeded in 
getting onto the green in his fourth on a 
hole that ordinarily required two shots. 
Then he proceeded to miss three short 
putts, and turning to his caddie in disgust, 
he remarked: "Well, well, I say, did you 
ever in your life see a worse golfer?" 

The caddie thought it over a moment 
and then replied: 

"I was just trying to think!" 



% 




24 




FOUND A NEW SPOT 

A STRANGER on the links one day was be 
sieged by a lot of caddies, who wanted 
the job of carrying for him. Among 
them was one lad who put in the cjaim 
of being the best caddie on the links, 
having the reputation of never having lost 
a ball. After playing six holes and hook- 
ing or slicing the ball out into the rough 
most every other shot, the player finally 
put one over into some long, tough grass. 
"Look here, caddie, I thought you told 
me that you never lost a ball?" ejaculated 
Mie new player. "I did, sir," but I never 
caddied for any one that played 'em of ^M|riB 
here before." * '5^ ^ ^1^ 





25 



THE CADDIE KNEW HIM 



% 



A WELL-KNOWN judge was informed one 
day tliat his caddie was betting on the 
game. The judge, realizing that his game 
was decidedly off color, and feeling sorry 
th^t anj'' one shouldlose on account of his 
poor playing, remarked to the boy: "J^y 
son, I hear that you have been betting on 
this game." "Yes, sir," said the boy; "but 
it was only a small amount, sir." "Well, 
that is all right; I will repay you for all 
that you have lost." "Oh, I didn't lose, 
sir. I bet that you wouldn't hit it at all 
tjie first 'time you. stepped up to the tee.jji 




s^SLLf^xbf-^n^^ " 



'B/n^ 



AN OLD MAN'S GAME 

Most every one has heard the remark that 
golf was an old man's game. The best 
answer for this came out one diay in a con- 
versation between two young men, one de- 
to tennis, the other to golf. The 
Per asked the tennis playei* to come 
out and try the game with him. "All I 
Want is for you to give it just one trial." 
"What ! me play golf? Never! Why, that 
is an old man's game." "You knoAj^l^^hiy 
'they call it an old man's game, doli^l^'uf ' 
\s^id the golfer. "It's because a young fel- 
MoWike you, starting in now, would be an 
lold^an before he learned how." 





.4: 



ONE FOR THE OUTSIDER 

This is the type of a joke that the out- 
sider always laughs at. 

A young man was teaching his girl how 
to play golf, and evidently she was not 
taking the game seriously. She had JM|t 
driven frem the tee, and turning inHjp 
ingly to the man, asked: "How was that?** 
"Oh, fine," he said; "you hit a beauty 
straight down the course." "Oh, I don't 
care where the ball went. I wanted to 
know how I looked when I hit it." 



%» 




88 



NEVER SAW GOLF BEFORE 

A WELL-KNOWN professional golf player 
visited a certain links one day and drew 
out quite a crowd to see him play. In the 
gallery were four persons that evidently 
had never seen golf played before. The 
professional made a remarkjible drive. 
When they got to the hole everybody was 
surprised to find that the ball had rolled 
into the cup and he had made the hole in 
one. The four strangers applauded the 
wonderful shot with the rest of the gal- 
lery, but when he made equally as good a 
shot on the next hole and failed to quite 
reach the green they all turned back to the 
club house, thinking that a professional 
player who couldn't hole out in one every 
time wasn't worth watching. 



29 



HE ALWAYS LOST 

A CLERGYMAN was in the habit of playing 
golf about twice a week with a friend that^ 
almost invariably beat him. Coming in 
from a round one day in which the clergy- 
man had been beaten by a rather larger 
score thi^ii*usual, the friend remarked by 
way of apology: "Never mind, you will 
get even with me some day when you haA^e 
a chance to read the burial service over my 
grave." "Not at all, sir," said the clergy- 
man; "that still will be your hole." 




MIGHT HURT HIS HEALTH 

No ONE takes the game of golf more seri- 
ously than John D. Kockefeller. He 
plays mostly on his own private links, and 
he devotes regular hours to his favorite 
pastime. Reporters and others are cau- 
tioned not to speak of anything unpleasant 
to him before the golf game. The doctor 
who has issued these orders explains it this 
way: "If he hears anything in the morn- 
ing that would be likely to disturb him it 
is almost a certainty that he will play a 
bad game. If he plays a bad game, that 
will put him in a bad humor the rest of 
the day. 




A SEVERE LESSON 

H. Chandler Egan had a somewhat un- 
usual introduction to golf. He and his 
brother laid out a small three-hole course 
in the pasture back of his father's house, 
then they invited their cousin Walter over 
to show them how to play the game. 
Teeing up a ball on the first, he hit it 
straight down to the broomstick which 
served as a flagpole. The ball bounced 
along the uneven green and finally disap- 
peared in the hole. Turning to his gallery, 
he remarked: "There, that is the way you 
do it." Chandler Egan tried, but didn't 
quite succeed, and although he won the 
amateur championship twice, he claims 
that he was never able to equal the won- 
derful drive his cousin made that day. 




GUTTA-PERCHA BALL 

The following story is told of the discov- 
ery of the gutta-percha ball: Sir Thomas 
Moncrieff brought a piece of gutta-percha 
with him from London to Musselburgh. 
It was believed to be suitable for a golf 
ball. The surface was quite smooth and 
had no nicks. It was found that the ball 
would not fly, and eventually it was dis- 
carded. The caddies picked it up and 
hammered it, faute de mieux^ round the 
green, it being discovered that the more 
it was hacked with the cleek and iron, the 
better it flew. This revelation suggested 
the nicking of the ball while soft, and 
hence the hand-made ball, which even- 
tually ousted the feathery. 




FUTURE HOLES 

Donald Ross, a Scottish Pro., says the 
process of trapping and bunkering has 
only begun. G. Rice, in Collier's^ has sug- 
gested the following for an ideal hole: 
Hole I — Your tee shot must be played 
from directly back of the tee box with the 
caddie sitting on the gall. The cup here 
is placed in the top of a tall oak. If you 
hole out you win the hole but lose the ball, 
as the tree is too big to be climbed. 




MA MASHIE 

(From the Royal Montreal Golf Club) 

BY J. GARDNER THOMPSON 

Ma driver, she's a bonnie club, 

She'll drive twa hunner yerds ; 
An' maybe, when the win's ahint, 

Two fifty's on the kerds. 
It's fine tae get a hertsome drive, 

It mak's ye feel sae classic — 
But pride aye comes afore a fa' — 

I hae tae use ma mashie. 

I lo'e the game an' fine wad like 

To dae the coorse in eighty. 
But while I hae to use that club 

I fear the task's o'er weighty. 
But I'll persevere an' maybe learn 

The trick o' the wee lassie, 
An' this nicht I'll drink a toast tae her. 

Ma mashie, oh, ma mashie. 



35 



COULDN'T DO BOTH 

A MINISTER who was playing golf one day 
started out in a very inglorious fashion. 
He missed the ball entirely the first two 
attempts he made to drive. Neither time 
he made any comment. Trying again, he 
topped it and the ball rolled down in 
among some rocks, where it was almost 
impossible to dislodge it. Turning to the 
caddie, he said: "Well, my boy, I was just 
thinking I will have to give it up. " ' 'What I 
you don't mean you are going to give up 
the game?" "No, no; I mean I will have 
to give up the ministry." 




HOW HE TRACED THEM 

This shows how a duffer, by using a Httle 
wit, got even with his two pals, who im- 
agined they played a better game than he 
did. It appears that they got to the club 
very early one day and attempted to get 
in a round before the player they were 
trying to lose showed up. In this they 
thought they had succeeded till they were 
surprised to find that he joined them on 
the sixth hole. "How did you find us?" 
"Why, that was the easiest thing in the 
world to discover. I just traced you out 
here by the divots you neglected to re- 
place." 




ONLY AN ECHO 

Opie Read, while playing a match with 
a friend one day, knocked his ball down 
into a deep hollow, which was lined with 
rocks. Read went down and tried to get 
it out, only succeeding after he had wasteH 
several shots. After coming out of the 
hole his opponent asked how many he had 
taken down there. Read thought it over, 
and replied, "Just three." "What!" said 
his opponent, "only three? Why, I dis- 
tinctly heard you hit at the hall six times." 
"Oh, no, you didn't," was Read's quick 
reply. "The other three were echoes." . 




A MAN was playing a round of golf one 
day in a mixed foresome, of which his 
daughter was one. Missing a short putt, 
he let out a string of oaths. Shortly after- 
wards the young lady missed a putt, and 
turning to her father, asked in an innocent 
way, "Now, father, what shall I say?" 

He who has loved (golf) and lost 
Severely weighs the cost, 
But he who has loved (golf) and won 
Counts the cost as just begun. 

"Hullo, old boy! You're looking quite 
run down. I thought you came here with 
your clubs for change and rest?" 

"So I did, but I soon found that the 
caddies got all my change and the hotel 
proprietor got the rest." 
39 



ANCIENT WISDOM 

An old Fifeshire golfer, who has played 
since 1840, says: There are two playing 
principles which used to be enforced on us 
by the professional plaj^ers of old days. 
One was, "When your ba's in a bunker, 
get it oot" ; the idea being that you should 
aim at getting it out of the hazard onto 
good ground without trying too much. 
The second was, "You should look at the 
place the ba' was lying on efter it's 
awa' " ; the idea here being that your eye 
should be so rivetted on the ball that by no 
possibility shall your eye have moved until 
after the stroke. 




KNEW HE DESERVED IT 

Four players were playing in a four-ball 
match one day where all scores counted. 
One of the golfers, who was little more 
than a beginner, had landed up on the 
green of a four-hundred-yard hole in three. 
His partner, hoping to encourage him, 
took the flag while he made the putt. First 
he hit the ball and knocked it about a 
foot, then he tried three more before hol- 
ing out. Turning to his partner, he re- 
marked excitedly: "You talked me out of 
that ; it was all your fault." "How ridicu- 
lous; why, I never said a word." "Well, 
maybe you didn't, but you had a look on 
your face like you were going to say some- 
thing." 





41 



GOLF IN THE RAIN 

"What is the fascination of golf? What 
makes us love it so?" Most every player 
has asked liimself this question. Many a 
golf match has been played through a 
pouring rain. It is not uncommon to see 
players start out when it is raining hard 
and they know they are due for the soak- 
ing of their lives, yet they continue with 
enthusiasm unabated. The baseball player 
scampers for shelter when it commences to 
sprinkle. No one would ever think of see- 
ing a baseball game in the rain, or even 
when the grounds were wet. Tennis is 
never played in the rain. Golfers never 
stop for even the hardest downpour, and 
are often followed by a large gallery. 




FRAUD ON THE FACE OF IT 

It so happens that on a certain course 
down South an old negro cabin stands not 
a very great distance from one of the tees. 
A golfer playing the course one day sliced 
his ball over in that direction and it hit 
an old mammy on the side of the face. 
He went over after the ball and found her 
in great agony, but after a little talk, a 
dollar eased the pain considerably. The 
next time around the player sliced his 
ball again at this same place, and what 
was his surprise to discover that it had 
again hit the old mammy in the face. He 
compared notes with other players in the 
club house and found out that they, too, 
had hit the old mammy, and it had always 
cost a dollar to square matters. 




ONE ON LAUDER 

Harry Lauder tells this one on himself. 
He called up a caddie one day on the tee 
and asked him how much he would take to 
carry Ms clubs. The caddie, thinking he 
had a soft mark, raised the regular price a 
little bit. "Na, na, my lad. It's na a 
half o' that that I would gie ye. I'll carry 
ma own clubs." The boy hung around 
and watched him drive, then went and 
offered to take the job for nothing. "It's 
worth that," he said, "just for the fun of 
seeing you play." 




STYMIE FOR AMERICA 

Owen Seaman concludes a golf epic in 
"Punch" with this — just after asking 
which is the greatest golfing race : 

"Only the race that is loved of heaven — 
Whose path is the ancient green; 

Those who are buoyed by the sea dog's 
leaven, 
Whose brand is the iron keen; 

Only the race with the brassie face 

That follow the spheres in a long, stern 
chase, 

And still putt out as the stars of Devon 
Put out to the Spaniard's teen. 

"Here (so carry our drives, O Castor — 

Pollux our chip shots eke) ; 
I will wager a crown to 'a mere piastre 

That Teuton and Yank and Greek, 
And the far-away Japs and the sledge- 
borne Laps 
Will yield to our plus four handicaps, 
And the gods shall fasten the oleaster 

To the blade of a British cleek." 
45 



BLOCKING THE COURSE 

Two very erratic players who had wan- 
dered far from the course expressed great 
indignation when a low handicap man 
drove off before they were quite out of 
range. "I'm very sorry," said the latter, 
in excuse, "but I didn't know you be- 
longed to this hole!" 




AN AUTHORITY ON TEES 

Here is the latest golf story, which ap- 
pears in a trade journal. A country book- 
seller had been asked to supply a customer 
with a collection of golf literature. When 
the books arrived the customer was stag- 
gered to find one entitled "Stockton-on- 
Tees." Golfers will smile at the joke; 
others will be disposed to weep." 




HELPING THE BOSS OUT 

It is not an uncommon sight to see the 
president of a large firm playing golf with 
one of his employees. One day a well- 
known man was playing with his private 
secretary. In tiying to make a terrific 
drive he topped it, and the ball rolled about 
ten yards in front of the tee. A few pet 
words came from the boss's lips. The sec- 
retary wanted to say something nice, so 
remarked: "Well, that wasn't so bad; you 
got perfect direction." 




A NOVEL HANDICAP 

A PLAYER who had been used to receiving 
a handicap of three strokes from a friend 
with whom he frequently played agreed 
to waive his right to strokes if he should be 
allowed to say "Boo" just once during the 
round while his opponent was addressing 
the ball. As the story goes, the player 
who had the right to say "Boo" won the 
game quite easily, and strangely enough 
without once resorting to his novel handi- 
cap. It was the fear that the word might 
be said any moment that upset the better 
player's game. 





49 



HE KNEW HIS OWN GAME BEST 

Another similar story has been going the 
rounds about a colonel who was preparing 
to play from a distance of about four 
yards in front of the tee. The secretary 
of the club, who discovered him in what 
he thought just the nick of time, rushed 
down and yelled out : "I say ! old chap, you 
can't play from there; you must go back 
on the tee." 

"I can't, eh? Well, if it is anybody's 
business you just tell them that I am play- 
ing my fourth." 




RECKONING DISTANCE 

This is a story that every golfer who has 
found himself perplexed on a strange links 
will appreciate. 

A man hurrying down the street the 
other day stopped another man and in- 
quired how far it was to the Post-office. 
The other man thought it over for a min- 
ute and then replied, "I suppose you 
would say that it was just a good brassie 
and a full midiron." 




HIS FATHER'S GAME 

"Now, my young man," said a father to 
his son, "it is time that you were beginning 
to take matters more seriously. I want 
you to understand that there is something 
in Kfe much more important than temiis 
and baseball." "Yes, father, but I never 
did like the game of golf." 




HE HAD THE WRONG MAN 

A GOLF player who was very anxious to 
tell everybody what a fine score he had 
made met another member of the club 
whom he knew only casually, and com- 
menced telling him what a wonderful 
round he had had. "Do you know," he 
said, "I have accomplished an eighty-five 
to-day, something I never hoped to do." 
"Good," said the listener, "I am awfully 
glad to hear that; you know who I am, 
don't you? I am the new member of the 
Handicap Committee." *'Oh, you are," 
said the player with the wonderful score. 
"You know who I am, don't you? Well, 
I am the biggest liar in the club." 




MADE HIM NERVOUS 

It is the little things in golf as well as in 
life that give us the most worry. Many a 
man who has covered a distance of four 
hundred yards in two strokes begins to 
shake at the knees when they have left 
for themselves a putt of only a few feet. 
A. C. Anson, the famous ball player, who 
was the greatest batter of his day, says he 
would rather face the best pitcher that ever 
lived than be called upon to make a three- 
foot putt at a critical point of a golf 
match. 




vi . -V ll 



SOME GOLF FIGURES 

In England 7,000,000 pounds is spent 
annually on golf. New Yorkers' golf costs 
them over $5,000,000 each year. This is 
against $1,500,000 spent on baseball, 
which is the national game. Golf fig- 
ures were easily computed. As a work- 
ing basis, one club with 400 members was 
picked out as an average. Its dues placed 
at only $50 a year. Initiations and green 
fees about $4,000. The sum totals up to 
$65,000, a very conservative figure. There 
are over a hundred clubs in the Metropoli- 
tan district, but only eighty is enough at 
that rate to bring the amount well over the 
$5,000,000 mark. New York patronizes 
its three big league clubs to the extent of 
$1,000,000 a year. $500,000 more might 
be allowed for other professional and ama- 
teur teams and boys in the sand lots. 





55 



GRAND ARMY GOLF 

A MEMBER of the handicap committee, try- 
ing to get a hne on a new member of the 
club, inquired from another member how 
his friend played on the round that they 
had just completed. 

"Well, not so good. He plays what you 
would call Grand Army golf." 

"That is new to me. What is that?" 
"He went out in sixty-one and came 
back in sixty-five." 




^5H0RT pUT^ 




His majesty need never carry a niblick in 
his golf bag, for hasn't it been said that a 
King can do no wrong? 

Professional: "How do you like that new 
hole since I have made those changes?" 
Member or Green Committee: "Fine. 
I think it is unapproachable." 

A GOLF course has been made in England 
for lady players. Men will be allowed to 
play here, but at all times they will have 
to give way to the fair players. This is as 
it should be. The unfair players should 
always give way to the fair players. 



57 



SINKERS AND FLOATERS 

The second hole at Great Neck, L. I,, 
course is a mashie pitch over a pond. It 
strikes terror to the heart of many a be- 
ginner. Even the better players never 
think of using anytliing but a floater on 
this hole. A golfer playing the course one 
day had an inexperienced caddie. When 
he came to this pond hole he tossed the 
boy a ball and said : "Boy, will you find out 
if this is a sinker?" The lad took the ball 
and threw it into the pond, where it 
promptly sank. "Yes, sir," he said; "it is 
a sinker." 




VARDON'S EASY WAY 

Harry Vardon has a very pleasant way 
of letting one down easy. Mr. Henry 
Leach has this to say about him in a match 
they were playing. "I absm'dly fluffed a 
little chip onto the green from the woolly 
grass along the side with a niblick. After 
I had finished my comments on the matter, 
Vardon observed that he nearly always 
did the same thing — with a niblick I Fancy 
that! admitting that he did it, too. 'We 
ought to use a mashie,' he explained, put- 
ting himself and me right at the same 
time." 





59 



THRILL OF A GOOD DRIVE 

Who has not driven from the tee and had 
the pleasure of a genuine thrill as he 
watched the little ball fly through the air. 
One player, who is a very prominent ad- 
vertising man, gets as much enjoyment 
out of the game as anybody. The course 
that he plays on is very narrow and full 
of trees. One day he made a very long 
brassie shot, but being near-sighted, didn't 
see it. Turning to his opponent, he asked, 
"Was it a good one?" "Yes, it was a 
beauty; longest I have ever seen you 
make." "Shucks! I don't care for those 
good shots. I am never able to find 'em 
again." 




THE GOLFER'S EPITAPH 

(Halving it, of course, with 
R. L. Stevenson) 

Under the wire and starry sky- 
Dig the grave and let me lie ; 
Gladly I've lived and gladly die. 
Away from the world of strife. 

These be the lines you grave for me — 
*'Here he lies where he wants to be — • 
Lies at rest by the Nineteenth Tee — 
Where he lied all through his life." 

— G. Rice. 




^\^Mi0m4t%4; 



61 



THE FORESOME "GROUCH" 

There is no game in the world to bring 
out the character of a man as quickly as 
the game of golf. When you play with 
a man in a foresome as a partner and find 
him particularly disagreeable, one cannot 
help but feel sorry for the fellow's wife. 
To be a good foresome player is to be a 
good foresome loser. 




FEARED THE HEEL MARKS! 

During the suffragette reign of terror in 
Great Britain one of the famous golf links 
was desecrated by the militants, who 
poured acid on the putting greens. This 
caused one of the members of the green 
committee to remark: "I don't care so 
much about these fair dames and their 
bottle of acid if they would only stay off 
our putting greens with those awful high- 
heel shoes. 




63 



IMPROVING HIS GAME 

As A rule golf players are very proud of 
converts they get for the game. A man 
that had been introduced to golf by one 
of his friends happened to meet him some 
weeks later, and of course the conversation 
turned to golf. 

"Well, how is your game now? How 
are you making out at it?" 

"Oh, pretty good. I have improved 
greatly since you saw me play." 

"What do you go around in now?" 

"Oh, I should say about three hours and 
a half." 





FUTURIST'S ART APPLIED TO GOLF 

Picture of an old gentleman mho has just 

missed a short "put" at golf 

65 



A GOOD GAME FOR KINGS 

Golf is a game that is peculiarly suit- 
able for kings. It is perhaps the only 
one in the participation of which 
they may be sure that things are not be- 
ing made specially easy for them just 
because they are kings. If thej^ played 
tennis, the man on the other side might 
pat the ball just where majesty might 
most easily return it to an awkward place ; 
if they went out shooting, the birds and 
beasts would be driven before their guns. 
But this sort of thing is not done very 
well in golf. The other man may foozle, 
but he cannot surreptitiously help the king 
to make good ones, and to get the holes in 
par. Here, then, is a chance for the self- 
discipline and improvement of kings such 
as does not come their way very often. 




LEAVING AN ADDRESS 

Boy, if the 'phone should ring, 

If any one comes to call. 
Whisper that this is spring — 

To drop in again next fall; 
Say I have a date on a certain tee 
Where my friends, the sand traps, wait in 

glee; 
And tell him the doc has ordered me 

To keep my eye on the ball. 

And then, if the boss should sigh, 

Or for my presence seek. 
Tell him the truth — don't lie — 

Say that my will was weak; 
For what is a job to a brassie shot 
That whistles away to an untrapped spot — 
To the thrill of a well-cut mashie shot 

Or the sweep of a burnished cleek? 



67 



CLOSE FRIENDSHIP 

Getting hold of a good caddie is very 
rare. As a usual thing, when a player 
gets a boy that he likes he always asks for 
him at the club. A certain judge had a 
caddie that he had trained and one that 
he thought all the world of. He had often 
given him articles of clothing and taken 
care of him even when he wasn't playing. 
E. E. White happened to have a match 
with this judge one day, and seeing a small 
boy standing near the club, asked him if 
he knew Judge Ferguson. "Do I know 
him?" said the boy. "Well I should say 
I did. He and I are great friends. Why, 
these are his trousers I got on." 




HIS FATHER'S WEAKNESS 

A YOUNG man visiting a hotel links with 
his father and mother wanted a favor from 
his father one day, and rushed into the 
hotel and asked his mother where he was. 
"If it is anything important I advise you 
not to see him now, as he is over on the 
links," said the mother, "and doesn't want 
to be disturbed." "That is all right. I 
will take my chances now rather than 
later." The son returned, but not for some 
time. His mother wanted to know if he 
had succeeded, and why it had taken him 
so long. "Well, I know dad pretty well. 
I followed him around till he made a long 
putt, then I asked him immediately, and 
my request was granted on the spot." 





69 



HOW HE PUT IT 

The duffer had got around under the 100 
for the first time in his Hfe, and came into 
the luncheon room simply bursting with 
elation. He was dying to impart the joy- 
ful news, but no one gave him the oppor- 
tunity or betrayed the slightest curiosity 
or interest as to his performance. At last 
he could restrain himself no longer, and 
taking advantage of a pause in the con- 
versation, he remarked, "I don't know how 
it is with you chaps, but 98 does not seem 
to give one enough of exercise." 





AN OLD SCOTCH CADDIE 



"My last experience of one of these vet- 
erans," says Mr. Hilton, "was in a cham- 
pionship on the classic green. From the 
very first tee he took charge of me, body 
and soul, and wanted me to play every 
shot according to his ideas, and I refused 
to be thus mothered. It could hardly be 
said that we played that round together 
in peace and amity; in fact, long before 
the finish we were not really on speaking 
terms, and the only remark the old gentle- 
man would condescend to make was on 
any occasion I happened to misjudge a 
distance, when in a loud aside one would 
hear, *I thocht so,' and after the con- 
clusion of the round he was heard to re- 
mark, *Yon's a peeg-headed mon.' " 




CT 




71 



THE GOAT 

It may be the case, as I've heard men say, 
That the play that counts is the putting- 
green play, 
But the goat who is aye through some 

bunker butting, 
Ne'er gets a chance to come to the put- 
ting. 




CS> 



72 



A GOLF instructor has said this about the 
secret of good driving: "Hit the ball 
evenly off the face of the club — ^the face 
of the club, now, mind you, not the face 
of the earth." 

"A GOOD course is one which, after the first 
round, leaves you hopelessly mystified, but 
restlessly eager to learn more." 

A PEEVISH critic remarked that golf is 
often a curse. Certainly it is often the 
cause of many a curse. 

Shakespeare must have been a golf 
player, for didn't he write the following: 
"Now is the winter of my discontent"? 



73 



WAS TOPPING HIS BALL 

A DUFFER was playing very badly one day. 
Driving off from every tee he topped his 
ball and never succeeded in getting more 
than fifty yards. Turning to the caddie, he 
remarked : "What in the world is the mat- 
ter with me ! What am I doing ?" "Well," 
said the caddie, ''jou are hitting your ball 
on top every time, sir." "I am, eh? Then 
why don't you tee the blamed thing upside 
down?" 





74 



THEY WERE NOVICES 

Two Hebrews were playing the royal and 
ancient game on a public links. After a 
series of unsuccessful attempts at hitting 
the ball, both finally managed to get up on 
the green in a roundabout way. 

"Say, Ikey, how many did it take you 
to get up here?" 

Well, how many did it take you, 
^ammy?" 

"You got to tell me; I asked you first!" 



ySse 





75 



MY TROPHIES 

{From the "American Golfer'') 

There's a cupboard I keep in the land o' 
dreams, 

In a corner of my mind, 
Where a glitter of silver before me gleams 

If ever I feel inclined. 
And I open its door to amuse myself 

When my golfing days are done, 
With the wealth of trophies that load each 
shelf— 

The trophies I never won. 





First Golfer — " What do you think of that 
fellow coming out a day like this?" 

Second Golfer — "Well, he must he an 
awlful nut to play in this weather!" 
77 



ANOTHER HOLE IN ONE 

A GOLFER at one of the famous courses in 
England was entertaining his friends in 
the club house with a story of a wonderful 
dream that he had in which he dreamed 
that he had on that very afternoon made 
the short pond hole in one stroke. No- 
body thought any more about it till 
it came his turn to play the hole that after- 
noon, then some one remarked: "Now is 
your chance to make that dream good." 
The player said he felt a bit shaky at 
the knees when he stood on the tee, but 
nevertheless hit a beauty. "The ball came 
rolling leisurely across the green and fell 
into the cup with its last dying breath." 




FORGETFUL 

There was a young golfer who'd roar 
The news every time he took "four" ; 

But when he took "eight" 

By some curious fate 
He could never remember his score. 




CORRECTING A FAULT 

A GOLFER offers the following receipt for 
any one badly off his game: "If you are 
slicing and sclaffing, and cannot find out 
the reason why, the best thing to do is to 
follow a player who is suffering from the 
same ailment and carefully note the things 
he is doing wrong. Here you get the idea 
of how not to do it." 





HE HAD A GREAT IDEA 

A GOLFER who was determined to learn 
how to drive without swaying the body- 
appeared on the first tee one day with four 
pieces of rope attached to his belt. "What 
in the world are you up to?" asked one of 
the players. "Just wait and see," said 
the inventor. "Now, caddie, when I take 
my stance on the tee drive home those tent 
stakes and I think that will enable me to 
hold my body still." 




TOOK 47 FOR ONE HOLE 

Robert Frothingham, the advertising 
man, has a record of 47 strokes for one 
hole. On the pond hole at Pinehurst he 
drove ten halls into water. He expressed 
himself quite forcibly after each shot, but 
finally exhausting his vocabulary, he 
changed his profanity to song, and in a 
clear baritone voice sang a refrain from a 
religious hymn. The change worked mir- 
acles, and he got over, and finally holed 
out in forty-seven. 




RACE NOT ALWAYS TO THE 
SWIFT 

A NOVICE, contrary to most beginners, was 
able to hit the ball the first time he tried 
it, and gained quite some considerable dis- 
tance, too; then he started on a dead run 
down the course after the ball. He didn't 
stop when he reached the ball, but hit 
it again as hurriedly as he could in the 
general direction of the flag and continued 
on a run. When he reached the hole he 
turned around with an air of satisfaction 
and discovered that his "field" was only 
moving away leisurely from the first tee. 
In explaining his strange actions he had to 
admit that he thought the game depended 
on reaching the green first and putting the 
ball into the hole. 




GOLF FIRST 



When Taft was on a trip West during 
his administration he played a game of 
golf in Seattle. Taft was due in Tacoma 
at five o'clock that evening. A great crowd 
awaited his arrival, and unless he got that 
train it would be after dark when the 
Presidential party got in. Butt and a 
secret service man rushed out on the Links 
and hold him how important it was 
that he should leave immediately. They 
argued, but the President was obdurate. 
"Now look here! I want you to under- 
stand that I am President of the United 
States, and refuse to be bossed by a de- 
tective and an army officer. When I finish 
my game I will go and not .before." 




V(-'|V 



WANTED INFORMATIOlSr 

A MINISTER, upon hearing that one of his 
choir boys had been over to the links caddy- 
ing on Sunday morning, called the lad up 
to him and asked if it were true. "Yes, 
sir," said the boy, "I will have to admit 
that it is true, but I'm sorry." "Well, tell 
me," said the minister, "how are the fair 
greens after last night's hard rain?" 




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